So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.
Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.
If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.
Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.
Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.
Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.
Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.
MATH NERD VAMPIRES
If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.
“But sir, he’s a vampire!!!”
“Vampire or not, he’s the best damn accountant we have here, and i’d let him drink my blood before i fire him!”
“still less of a leech than Matt in legal. Fuck matt”
Okay but also, vampires as drug dealers- a profession that requires extremely quick, extremely accurate counting. “You’re 5 dollars short.” “There’s 50,000 dollars in there at least, how the fuck did you count that fast-” “Pay up or I will drink you like a slurpee.”
I sincerely apologize for spamming you all with the Hamilton fanfic controversy, but it’s really giving me so much strength. It’s been a while since we’ve had the kind of scandal that only Tumblr can provide (like the person who robbed graves; the person who mailed their toe to another person so they could make a necklace of it; etc). This scandal is just so fucking good, you know? White American college girl pretends to be a nonbinary Chinese-Pakistani Muslim human-trafficking survivor AND their American WOC wife and they live in India??? And they suffered a miscarriage? And they both have HIV? All so she can scam people out of money and amass kudos on Archive of Our Own for her Hamilton HIV fanfic? And she does this for YEARS? And the person who uncovered it is doing it for revenge because the fake-HIV-fanfic writer made them delete a fanfic about Lin-Manuel Miranda and Thomas Jefferson as cannibal mermaids performing oral sex and unironically accused them of gentrifying cannibalism??? I mean, this shit is fucking gold.
me processing this tea
Wait wait wait can we rewind who the fuck sent someone their toe
Soraya is having a party. At this party, Nandito sneaks into Alicia’s room, and professes his love to her, Alicia likes Nandito too.
Alicia is Soraya’s stepdaughter and she happens to be disabled. Nandito is the son of Soraya’s ex-husband, who she’s still crazy in love with. Nandito and Alicia being together would probably cause Soraya’s head to explode. So it would be very bad news if Soraya found out about this romance. Soraya walks in on them, and totally freaks out. She proceeds to call her own stepdaughter a “disabled demon”. Soraya lunges at Alicia, but Nandito and the nanny stop her. Soraya overpowers both of them, and tosses them aside like a bunch of ragdolls. She grabs Alicia and shakes her violently, as you do in a traditional throwdown. Nandito finally gets up and tries to stop this madness, but Soraya slaps him. The nanny tries calling for help by shouting this: “THIS WOMAN IS CRAZY! SHE HAS THE DEVIL INSIDE HER!”She’s not totally wrong. While this is happening, Nandito tries restraining Soraya, but they knock over poor Alicia. Who apparently weighs 0.1 pounds.Nandito throws himself over the bed to make sure Alicia is okay. Nandito turns into an action Jackson. This dude in a suit shows up and he’s like, “Yo… What the heck?!”And instead of restraining Soraya, this dude goes to check on Alicia. Soraya lunges at the nanny and begins bashing her head against the wall.And knocks her out. It should be noted that some of the partygoers walk in the bedroom and watch the drama unfold… They do nothing to stop it. Nandito goes to check on the nanny to make sure she’s not… like… dead. Soraya screams, “If she’s not dead, i’m gonna finish killing her!!!”Why is the nanny getting attacked? Who knows. It’s never fully explained. Soraya tosses the dude in the suit and is like, “GET OFF ME, FOOL!” and happens to place her hand on a pair of scissors. Because… yeah. Soraya stabs Nandito in the arm! And in some distant location, Nandito’s mom, María (played by Thalia), feels her son’s pain. You can tell because María clenches her chest and makes a weird face. The dude in the suit takes Soraya into another room and he’s like, “You goin’ to jail now!”Soraya is like, “FRNJKSBIRCSKJB Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!”Meanwhile, Nandito is on the ground moaning about his stab wound “It Hurts! Ouch!”. And these fools are like, “Uhhhhhhhhhhh…”“This is a crime,” says the lady in gold. Oh God! Alicia yells at the partygoers to help out Nandito. She screams, “I can’t help him! I’m in a wheelchair!”Nandito just sits there and plays with his blood. Freaking useless. The partygoers finally get their stuff together and carry Nandito to a hospital, who apparently passed out. Soraya screams at her guests, “If you report me to the Police, i’ll kill you!” What happens in Soraya’s house, stays in Soraya’s house. In the end, after all that melodrama, no one in this scene helps out the poor Nanny…
